I am publishing a cookbook.
It didn't really start out like this. It started out with me wanting to put together all of my recipes and a few of my dad's. Just for my own use anyway. I told my friend Ry about this, and he is all about a new business idea of some kind, so of course he suggested I publish it. First it was my knitted hats, and now my recipes. I'm not complaining of course, I just think it's a little funny. I thought about the idea a little and talked it over with boyfriend; he also thought it was a good idea. We thought it should be a cookbook filled with family recipes and my own personal favorites. Ry and I came up with a really cool, original layout that would be fresh. I told my mom about the idea and she loved it. She said "keep going!" That helped a lot. I also called my dad and told him; now he can't wait to send me his recipes. He is also an author, which is nice, because he knows all of the ethics and rules. That what's and what's not to do in writing, etc.
Now I'm going over the publishing aspect. To find a publisher, or to self publish. Both have a few of their own benefits.
A Publisher: They would help get my name and book out there a lot better than I could. I would probably sell more through a publisher.
Self Publishing: I would keep all of the profits, minus my expenses of advertising and printing.
But the downs are, if I want to get with a publisher it is going to be a bit more effort and a chance that I may not find one that likes my book proposal. On top of that, they will charge me to higher them and then take a cut in my profits. Something like a dollar for every book I sell. Just an example. Then again, if I self publish I probably wont get the book out that much, to more than just family anyway. Ry could do advertising for me, but how much can that really do?
So I think I will try to go with a publisher, granted someone takes me, and if that doesn't work, I wont really have wasted any money, so I can then try self publishing.
Another thing is, I'm only 21, so I have plenty of time to get this book off the ground. I would love to be self published by the age of 22 though. That would be a great accomplishment.
I have a few other money making, career schemes up my sleeve, but I will leave you with just this one for now. Work is to be done if I want to really be a book seller.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Another Dream
I woke up in the middle of the night with a frightened scream. In my dream I was getting into a huge scary car accident
I was still frighted when I woke up...mostly from my own scream.
I've woken up scared or feeling upset before, even crying at one point, but never have I actually screamed.
Weird..
I was still frighted when I woke up...mostly from my own scream.
I've woken up scared or feeling upset before, even crying at one point, but never have I actually screamed.
Weird..
Friday, May 14, 2010
Bank Nightmares
Now that boyfriend and I are moving to Southern California together, I decided to switch my checking account over to his bank. I thought it would be easier and what not. Besides, I was getting tired of mine. That's fine and all, but I did this about two weeks ago, and I asked the banker who set up my new account to set up my direct deposit for my paychecks. Well, today is pay day and no paycheck! I'm pretty furious with him. I had to go to my work and put in for the direct deposit myself. Now I also have to call payroll and have them send me a new paycheck, which will take up to nine days. I have bills pay! Really...I mean he's a banker right? He's supposed to deal with things relating to customers and their bank accounts right???
I want to go and bring this to his and/or his managers attention, but I hate being one of those customers. I'm on the other end of that situation at work enough. I don't want to look like the bitchy, nagging customer. Then again, I need money!
This is ridiculous. He also wouldn't help me transfer funds for my car loan through my old bank to my new one, so I had to go back to my old bank and have them help me. The new bank and I definitely have not gotten off on the best start. Thought I have to say I do love the savings plan I have set up here. Anyway, enough of my ranting for now. Its off to call payroll and sort all of this ridiculousness out!
I'm hoping my next post is more of a post and less of a rant that really isn't all that interesting. Keep reading, I swear it gets better :]
I want to go and bring this to his and/or his managers attention, but I hate being one of those customers. I'm on the other end of that situation at work enough. I don't want to look like the bitchy, nagging customer. Then again, I need money!
This is ridiculous. He also wouldn't help me transfer funds for my car loan through my old bank to my new one, so I had to go back to my old bank and have them help me. The new bank and I definitely have not gotten off on the best start. Thought I have to say I do love the savings plan I have set up here. Anyway, enough of my ranting for now. Its off to call payroll and sort all of this ridiculousness out!
I'm hoping my next post is more of a post and less of a rant that really isn't all that interesting. Keep reading, I swear it gets better :]
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Last Night
I dremt in cartoon. Everything looked like the Flintstones. As if I were in the town of Bedrock.
I swear this wasn't an acid trip..
I swear this wasn't an acid trip..
The Flood...
I was hanging out with my boyfriend contemplating my next blog, two in one day, because I feel I have been neglecting it so. I couldn't think of anything really interesting to write about until....
We were just sitting in my bedroom when I think I hear someone taking a show. I think to myself, "Hmm that's strange, I thought everyone had gone to sleep, and its like 12am". Well I was correct on that one. I walked into the bathroom to find the floor mats floating on top of a good inch of water that was still quickly pouring from our toilet. Awesome! Best night ever right? Well it just got better after that. We look at our newly pergoed floors (the snap into place wood flooring that "floats"). They couldn't have thought of a better word for those floors, because now that is what our flooring in the hall way is doing. Floating on toilet bowl water. You walk on it and you hear the squish skwash of the water under neath it. I'm freaking out at this point. My mom is going to be so upset. New flooring and water. Bad combo. The floors will be ruined. I wake her up and she freaks out as expected. To my surprise not upset with me at all, but with my little brother.
Apparently our toilet has been having problems for a while now. Problems that my little brother knows about. He knows that if he hears the toilet running after he uses it, that he's supposed to jiggle the handle to make it stop. Well apparently he didn't, because it over flowed the whole bathroom. I feel bad for the poor kid. He's probably in trouble now.
Anyway though; my mother and I both think of course we will have to pull up that section of the flooring, let it dry out and place it in again. My mother also felt it imperative to get to sleep a.s.a.p., and found it my job to stay up until my step-father came home to explain the situation to him. I figured he would freak out as well, but no. He was as cool as a cucumber. He thinks that the floors will magically dry themselves out. Well, have fun with that one. Its out of my hands now.
And that is the end of the late night flood story :]
We were just sitting in my bedroom when I think I hear someone taking a show. I think to myself, "Hmm that's strange, I thought everyone had gone to sleep, and its like 12am". Well I was correct on that one. I walked into the bathroom to find the floor mats floating on top of a good inch of water that was still quickly pouring from our toilet. Awesome! Best night ever right? Well it just got better after that. We look at our newly pergoed floors (the snap into place wood flooring that "floats"). They couldn't have thought of a better word for those floors, because now that is what our flooring in the hall way is doing. Floating on toilet bowl water. You walk on it and you hear the squish skwash of the water under neath it. I'm freaking out at this point. My mom is going to be so upset. New flooring and water. Bad combo. The floors will be ruined. I wake her up and she freaks out as expected. To my surprise not upset with me at all, but with my little brother.
Apparently our toilet has been having problems for a while now. Problems that my little brother knows about. He knows that if he hears the toilet running after he uses it, that he's supposed to jiggle the handle to make it stop. Well apparently he didn't, because it over flowed the whole bathroom. I feel bad for the poor kid. He's probably in trouble now.
Anyway though; my mother and I both think of course we will have to pull up that section of the flooring, let it dry out and place it in again. My mother also felt it imperative to get to sleep a.s.a.p., and found it my job to stay up until my step-father came home to explain the situation to him. I figured he would freak out as well, but no. He was as cool as a cucumber. He thinks that the floors will magically dry themselves out. Well, have fun with that one. Its out of my hands now.
And that is the end of the late night flood story :]
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I'M SLACKING!
This is just not aloud. My first week or two of blogging I had a good pace going. I went on my previously mentioned Oceanside trip and since then I've just gotten myself so excited; thinking about everything in my future, that I have been neglecting my blog. Which is funny, because I should be typing all of those thoughts down on this blog, right? It is the perfect canvas for my thoughts and ideas.
To make an update about my Oceanside trip I would say it went awesome! Yes it may be a military inhabited little town, but its a beautiful little beach town that I can't wait to live in. The official move date is September 19th. The boyfriend graduates on the 17th, then we will have a few days for seeing family, packing the last few personal items up, and leaving. I can't wait to be in southern California again! Well the real southern California. Not that desert, fake, southern California I used to live in, Barstow. I will be living right on the ocean. The beach just a few blocks away.
We found the apartment complex we will be moving into. Very nice, cute places, with a very steep pet deposit. The price, literally, I have to pay to have my boxer puppy Portia with us. She is a ridiculous little thing, but definitely worth the price.
My most recent thoughts have been of obtaining a job in the field I hope to make my future career. I worked hard to get through school. I am a certified baker and I love it. Yes I am a barista by day, but in my dreams at night I am something completely different. I have worked as a baker for three different company's now, so I do have the experience and training. I just feel unprepared when it comes to going back out and trying for another baking position. I'm making it my goal to get some kind of a baking job as soon as I get to Oceanside. If I let myself slack off, I'll keep saying "Oh I'll do it soon". Then it will turn into three years working in the same position at Starbucks, like I have been. Not my dream. I would ultimately like to open up my own place, but wouldn't everyone. Its another one of my dreams.
I lay in bed most nights lately, not able to get to sleep. My mind is racing, thinking about it all. What I want to start baking more of, what ingredients I want to incorporate in my work, what color my towels for the bathroom in my new apartment will be, all the way to where I will place all of my furniture when we move in. Its a new exciting adventure for me, and I can't get myself to stop thinking about it for a split second. I guess that is good, but a little distracting at times. I feel the need to talk to everyone about my move and every little detail involved in it. I would love to be able to tell my best friend "B" about all of this, but of course I can't. She is still massively apposed to the idea and there is no point in even bring up the issue or she will make some snide comment about my boyfriend. For some reason she feels the need to be a closed minded little girl about anything that isn't how she wants it to be. I'm done trying, or really caring anymore. I'm just glad that I have boyfriend. He's the best friend I've ever had. He also feels the need to talk about every detail of our move and our future together. I love it. He's the best. I hope he is able to find a good job before we get there. I know he can do it. I just can't wait!
I imagine my days off spend down at the beach playing with the puppy and spending time with boyfriend. Going to the pier and watching all the little critters in the water.
Changing subjects for two seconds.
Can I just say that customers at Starbucks are rude, disgusting, assholes!?? Seriously. They are so ridiculous! I can't stand them. I can't wait to get out of this company so I don't have to deal with these people.
I'm sitting in my store waiting for my shift to start. I have my head phones in, pretending to listen to music. You hear so many...interesting things doing this. Like stupid customers ranting about the "shitty" service and such. Well if you weren't so god damn stupid and ridiculous we wouldn't give you shitty service. If your pleasant to us, we will be pleasant to you. I mean really, its Starbucks, not a sit down restaurant. When you expect the barista to walk around the counter, to the other side of the lobby to take your order at your table, DON'T expect a happy smile and tasty beverage. Most likely you will get decafed!
Over and out! There is work to be done.
To make an update about my Oceanside trip I would say it went awesome! Yes it may be a military inhabited little town, but its a beautiful little beach town that I can't wait to live in. The official move date is September 19th. The boyfriend graduates on the 17th, then we will have a few days for seeing family, packing the last few personal items up, and leaving. I can't wait to be in southern California again! Well the real southern California. Not that desert, fake, southern California I used to live in, Barstow. I will be living right on the ocean. The beach just a few blocks away.
We found the apartment complex we will be moving into. Very nice, cute places, with a very steep pet deposit. The price, literally, I have to pay to have my boxer puppy Portia with us. She is a ridiculous little thing, but definitely worth the price.
My most recent thoughts have been of obtaining a job in the field I hope to make my future career. I worked hard to get through school. I am a certified baker and I love it. Yes I am a barista by day, but in my dreams at night I am something completely different. I have worked as a baker for three different company's now, so I do have the experience and training. I just feel unprepared when it comes to going back out and trying for another baking position. I'm making it my goal to get some kind of a baking job as soon as I get to Oceanside. If I let myself slack off, I'll keep saying "Oh I'll do it soon". Then it will turn into three years working in the same position at Starbucks, like I have been. Not my dream. I would ultimately like to open up my own place, but wouldn't everyone. Its another one of my dreams.
I lay in bed most nights lately, not able to get to sleep. My mind is racing, thinking about it all. What I want to start baking more of, what ingredients I want to incorporate in my work, what color my towels for the bathroom in my new apartment will be, all the way to where I will place all of my furniture when we move in. Its a new exciting adventure for me, and I can't get myself to stop thinking about it for a split second. I guess that is good, but a little distracting at times. I feel the need to talk to everyone about my move and every little detail involved in it. I would love to be able to tell my best friend "B" about all of this, but of course I can't. She is still massively apposed to the idea and there is no point in even bring up the issue or she will make some snide comment about my boyfriend. For some reason she feels the need to be a closed minded little girl about anything that isn't how she wants it to be. I'm done trying, or really caring anymore. I'm just glad that I have boyfriend. He's the best friend I've ever had. He also feels the need to talk about every detail of our move and our future together. I love it. He's the best. I hope he is able to find a good job before we get there. I know he can do it. I just can't wait!
I imagine my days off spend down at the beach playing with the puppy and spending time with boyfriend. Going to the pier and watching all the little critters in the water.
Changing subjects for two seconds.
Can I just say that customers at Starbucks are rude, disgusting, assholes!?? Seriously. They are so ridiculous! I can't stand them. I can't wait to get out of this company so I don't have to deal with these people.
I'm sitting in my store waiting for my shift to start. I have my head phones in, pretending to listen to music. You hear so many...interesting things doing this. Like stupid customers ranting about the "shitty" service and such. Well if you weren't so god damn stupid and ridiculous we wouldn't give you shitty service. If your pleasant to us, we will be pleasant to you. I mean really, its Starbucks, not a sit down restaurant. When you expect the barista to walk around the counter, to the other side of the lobby to take your order at your table, DON'T expect a happy smile and tasty beverage. Most likely you will get decafed!
Over and out! There is work to be done.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Late Night
Up all night next to my sleeping boyfriend. I'm searching the interweb for apartments and jobs in Oceanside, CA. Up all night, because after work tomorrow the boyfriend and I are making a random, spurt of the moment, 7 hour drive to Oceanside. Staying in a fancy little Motel 6 for the weekend while we hunt.
Taking you back to last week...
My father calls and asks me if boyfriend and I would like to have him fly us down to southern California to come visit him for the weekend. We both say "awesome!" sounds like a fun time. I ask for work off; boyfriend doesn't have plans, so great, its a deal. We are intended to leave tomorrow. Father calls today...oh by the way, I'm not able to by those plane tickets for you guys. We both say again "AWESOME!" "Super fantastic dad...you totally didn't F up our plans. Because of course we had an ulterior motive for wanting that free plane ticket to southern California. Yes, this may seem like a selfish thing to do. Yes, I would have liked to visit my father before he moves to Ecuador next month (and yes that is out of the country..in South America to be exact), but we also wanted to visit Oceanside while there. Our future home together. Or at least we hope. See...we still have yet to visit this amazing place called Oceanside.
Boyfriend graduates school in September and we hope to move to southern California at that time. I will hopefully just transfer Starbucks' until I am able to find a job that I am more suited for (as I am of course always searching for). His school will be setting him up with interviews for jobs down there. All we need to do now is find a place to live. Seems simple right? Well not so simple from a distance. Damn that 7 hour drive.
So today comes, skip past the phone call with father..skip to conversation with boyfriend when I tell him.. "No, sorry honey...as usual, my father is reliably unreliable. No plane tickets. Ahh poop!" Boyfriend then comes up with the brilliant plan to use our free weekend of nothingness to drive down there instead. Scrap some money together for that fancy motel room and vwala! Were going on a weekend hunting adventure.
The End.
Now it's time for little me to hit the pillow for my day of work and long drive.
I will let you know how that job/apartment hunt goes...if we make it back alive! Dun Dun Dun!!!
(Obviously I am running on no sleep now. Please excuse my ridiculousness in this entire post.)
Nighty Night!
Taking you back to last week...
My father calls and asks me if boyfriend and I would like to have him fly us down to southern California to come visit him for the weekend. We both say "awesome!" sounds like a fun time. I ask for work off; boyfriend doesn't have plans, so great, its a deal. We are intended to leave tomorrow. Father calls today...oh by the way, I'm not able to by those plane tickets for you guys. We both say again "AWESOME!" "Super fantastic dad...you totally didn't F up our plans. Because of course we had an ulterior motive for wanting that free plane ticket to southern California. Yes, this may seem like a selfish thing to do. Yes, I would have liked to visit my father before he moves to Ecuador next month (and yes that is out of the country..in South America to be exact), but we also wanted to visit Oceanside while there. Our future home together. Or at least we hope. See...we still have yet to visit this amazing place called Oceanside.
Boyfriend graduates school in September and we hope to move to southern California at that time. I will hopefully just transfer Starbucks' until I am able to find a job that I am more suited for (as I am of course always searching for). His school will be setting him up with interviews for jobs down there. All we need to do now is find a place to live. Seems simple right? Well not so simple from a distance. Damn that 7 hour drive.
So today comes, skip past the phone call with father..skip to conversation with boyfriend when I tell him.. "No, sorry honey...as usual, my father is reliably unreliable. No plane tickets. Ahh poop!" Boyfriend then comes up with the brilliant plan to use our free weekend of nothingness to drive down there instead. Scrap some money together for that fancy motel room and vwala! Were going on a weekend hunting adventure.
The End.
Now it's time for little me to hit the pillow for my day of work and long drive.
I will let you know how that job/apartment hunt goes...if we make it back alive! Dun Dun Dun!!!
(Obviously I am running on no sleep now. Please excuse my ridiculousness in this entire post.)
Nighty Night!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
My Bucket List
I was thinking about the different things I want to accomplish in my life time; so what I did was I started searching different things other people wanted to accomplish and I came across this website http://www.squidoo.com/100things. It was very helpful! It had about 500 different suggestions on what to add to your list and how to start one. I have so far only come up with 54 out of my 100 goals I plan to set for myself. But so far I have completed one out of those 54 goals..Start a blog! Well here we are. I know that the best way to make myself do something is to tell other people about it, that way they can keep me accountable. So now I'm telling all of you. Here I go; in no specific order:
1. Ride a mechanical bull
2. Learn to bartend
3. Run a marathon
4. Ride in a hot air balloon
5. Learn to fly a plane
6. Learn to drive a manual transmission vehicle (I kind of know, but not well so..)
7. Learn to work on cars
8. Buy and/or rebuild a classic car
9. Travel to Tuscany, Italy
10. Oktober Fest in Germany
11. The Love Parade in Berlin, Germany
12. Visit Rome
13. Visit Seattle/Pike Place Market
14. Move to the ocean
15. Go on a cruise
16. Learn to surf
17. Write and book and publish it
18. Learn to play pool, well
19. Discover what makes me truly happy
20. Find my passions
21. Allow myself to make mistakes
22. Discover my life's purpose
23. Learn to not take what others do or say personally
24. Learn to be my own person
25. Develop general knowledge on important topics (ex. history of thought, knowledge, America. Learn geography. Politics)
26. Learn to spell well
27. Learn to do math well
28. Build a structure (ex. dog house, wooden chest)
29. Learn to be informed
30. Become a wine connoisseur
31. Become a cheese connoisseur
32. Become financially literate
33. Invest in the stock market
34. Create a college fund for my child (when the time comes)
35. Find the love of my life
36. Get married
37. Create a home with an inviting, loving, comfortable atmosphere
38. Start a blog
39. Own my own business
40. Go go-cart racing
41. Learn to ride a dirt bike (not just ride on the back of it :])
42. Grow a Bonsai Tree
43. Grown Orchids
44. Grow Bamboo
45. Have/build the perfect kitchen
46. Go to the x-games
47. Have a brightly colored garden
48. Plant a vegetable garden
49. Go to the Kentucky Derby, the Belmont and the Preakness
50. Go on a great trail ride
51. Visit the east coast
52. Write a letter to each of my children telling them what I want them to know about me and life lessons based on my experience
53. Dress up in an extravagant costume
54. Create a cookbook from family recipes
(to be continued...)
What are some things that you would add to your bucket list?
1. Ride a mechanical bull
2. Learn to bartend
3. Run a marathon
4. Ride in a hot air balloon
5. Learn to fly a plane
6. Learn to drive a manual transmission vehicle (I kind of know, but not well so..)
7. Learn to work on cars
8. Buy and/or rebuild a classic car
9. Travel to Tuscany, Italy
10. Oktober Fest in Germany
11. The Love Parade in Berlin, Germany
12. Visit Rome
13. Visit Seattle/Pike Place Market
14. Move to the ocean
15. Go on a cruise
16. Learn to surf
17. Write and book and publish it
18. Learn to play pool, well
19. Discover what makes me truly happy
20. Find my passions
21. Allow myself to make mistakes
22. Discover my life's purpose
23. Learn to not take what others do or say personally
24. Learn to be my own person
25. Develop general knowledge on important topics (ex. history of thought, knowledge, America. Learn geography. Politics)
26. Learn to spell well
27. Learn to do math well
28. Build a structure (ex. dog house, wooden chest)
29. Learn to be informed
30. Become a wine connoisseur
31. Become a cheese connoisseur
32. Become financially literate
33. Invest in the stock market
34. Create a college fund for my child (when the time comes)
35. Find the love of my life
36. Get married
37. Create a home with an inviting, loving, comfortable atmosphere
38. Start a blog
39. Own my own business
40. Go go-cart racing
41. Learn to ride a dirt bike (not just ride on the back of it :])
42. Grow a Bonsai Tree
43. Grown Orchids
44. Grow Bamboo
45. Have/build the perfect kitchen
46. Go to the x-games
47. Have a brightly colored garden
48. Plant a vegetable garden
49. Go to the Kentucky Derby, the Belmont and the Preakness
50. Go on a great trail ride
51. Visit the east coast
52. Write a letter to each of my children telling them what I want them to know about me and life lessons based on my experience
53. Dress up in an extravagant costume
54. Create a cookbook from family recipes
(to be continued...)
What are some things that you would add to your bucket list?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I'm taking control now.
I have been struggling with an idea for a while now. I thought I had figured it out, but I believe it is still a work in progress. I care too much about what people think. In regards to: what I do, what I say, how I act, how I look, how I dress, everything really. I'm one of those people that worries way too much about everything. I finally thought I had stopped caring so much. Besides about what the people I truly care about think. Ultimately their opinion, and my own are what matter to me.
I have this friend "B". She's my best friend. She is one of those people who matters to me. She is also a very sensitive, opinionated, tell it how she sees it kind of girl. She also has a lot of trust issues due to trauma in her past. I care way, way too much what she thinks. So much that it effects me in almost a negative way; I would say. I just want to be happy and you would think my best friend would just want to see me happy too right? Well this best friend I feel does want me happy, but she also wants me to do what she wants me to do. She likes to control situations, and she doesn't like to be wrong. I feel like she's disappointed in me if I don't do things her way.
I don't get why I have put myself in this situation. I care too much, my heart is just too big. Who knows.
Yesterday we got into a large argument. Large as in it lasted about two hours long. We discussed everything. I mean everything. Every skeleton came out of the closet. We both came clean about how we feel about each other, certain events in the past, and things we have said to each other. This is great and all, because now we can move on and get along again. Wrong! Its only time until it happens again.
We are both very similar, but at the same time so completely different. For example, "B" is one of those people that wont trust you until you have earned it. I on the other hand will give you my trust and I will continue to trust you until I am ever given a reason not to. I mean if your some crazy deranged psycho killer I wont just throw you my trust and say "hey, I trust you, you totally seem like a nice person deep down"; I do use common scene. I'm sure you understand where I am going with this. We don't agree on everything, and that is totally normal. It seems she needs her best friend to agree with her on everything, one-hundred percent of the time. Is that right? Should I have that pressure put upon me?
I keep wondering, "If I'm not supposed to worry about what other people think, then why do I have to care so much about what "B" thinks?" Its getting out of hand and it needs to stop. I have no idea how to slow down this high speed train. Where are the breaks?
-Should I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around my best friend for fear of her sensitivity?
-Should I really be calling her my best friend if I feel I can't be myself around her and just tell her how I really feel?
-Should a best friend hold me back from what makes me happy because she doesn't agree with it?
To that last questions, my argument is.. I am not an idiot, and I am not "naive" as "B" puts it, so when I want to do something that may seem a little risky, don't you think some thought has gone into it before hand? I don't do ridiculous stupid thinks as a hobby. Why can't you put your trust issues aside for a minute? Put your trust in someone for once. We may not all disappoint you like you think. There are good people in the world "B".
If you open your eyes and open your heart more, you will see the world is a place full of amazing, beautiful things. You just have to learn to trust. Its OK to fall and its OK to make mistakes. I'm not afraid anymore. I just want to put it all out on the line and hope for the best. This is my life. I'm taking control of it now!
I have this friend "B". She's my best friend. She is one of those people who matters to me. She is also a very sensitive, opinionated, tell it how she sees it kind of girl. She also has a lot of trust issues due to trauma in her past. I care way, way too much what she thinks. So much that it effects me in almost a negative way; I would say. I just want to be happy and you would think my best friend would just want to see me happy too right? Well this best friend I feel does want me happy, but she also wants me to do what she wants me to do. She likes to control situations, and she doesn't like to be wrong. I feel like she's disappointed in me if I don't do things her way.
I don't get why I have put myself in this situation. I care too much, my heart is just too big. Who knows.
Yesterday we got into a large argument. Large as in it lasted about two hours long. We discussed everything. I mean everything. Every skeleton came out of the closet. We both came clean about how we feel about each other, certain events in the past, and things we have said to each other. This is great and all, because now we can move on and get along again. Wrong! Its only time until it happens again.
We are both very similar, but at the same time so completely different. For example, "B" is one of those people that wont trust you until you have earned it. I on the other hand will give you my trust and I will continue to trust you until I am ever given a reason not to. I mean if your some crazy deranged psycho killer I wont just throw you my trust and say "hey, I trust you, you totally seem like a nice person deep down"; I do use common scene. I'm sure you understand where I am going with this. We don't agree on everything, and that is totally normal. It seems she needs her best friend to agree with her on everything, one-hundred percent of the time. Is that right? Should I have that pressure put upon me?
I keep wondering, "If I'm not supposed to worry about what other people think, then why do I have to care so much about what "B" thinks?" Its getting out of hand and it needs to stop. I have no idea how to slow down this high speed train. Where are the breaks?
-Should I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around my best friend for fear of her sensitivity?
-Should I really be calling her my best friend if I feel I can't be myself around her and just tell her how I really feel?
-Should a best friend hold me back from what makes me happy because she doesn't agree with it?
To that last questions, my argument is.. I am not an idiot, and I am not "naive" as "B" puts it, so when I want to do something that may seem a little risky, don't you think some thought has gone into it before hand? I don't do ridiculous stupid thinks as a hobby. Why can't you put your trust issues aside for a minute? Put your trust in someone for once. We may not all disappoint you like you think. There are good people in the world "B".
If you open your eyes and open your heart more, you will see the world is a place full of amazing, beautiful things. You just have to learn to trust. Its OK to fall and its OK to make mistakes. I'm not afraid anymore. I just want to put it all out on the line and hope for the best. This is my life. I'm taking control of it now!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Earth Day
How could I possibly forget. Its Earth Day today! Do something good like pick up a piece of trash. Or at least try not to be lazy and just don't litter to start with. If only for this one day out of the year. Just sayin'.
Oh and have a fantabulous birthday Miss.S [you will remain nameless because i feel the need to use five million profanities when I hear your name]. And please try not to get food poisoning, again, when you go out to that shushi dinner you have planned for your birthday tonight. Lovely thought though.
-Over and out.
Oh and have a fantabulous birthday Miss.S [you will remain nameless because i feel the need to use five million profanities when I hear your name]. And please try not to get food poisoning, again, when you go out to that shushi dinner you have planned for your birthday tonight. Lovely thought though.
-Over and out.
All me
it is all about me this time..
what i want, where i want to go, what i want to do and who i want to see there.
selfish? maybe.
i've started to learn that sometimes in life you need to be selfish to get where you want. to not get walked all over, even if that means hurting someone unintentionally...or intentionally along the way. i need to do it for myself. i want to be bold, brassy, adventurous, daring, and unsuppressed. yes! all of them! i want to change me into someone i'm proud to be. i've finally found one amazing someone who seems to just bring it out in me, so its become just that much easier of a goal.
i want to shoot for the starts and not get shot down. or at least i want to shoot for the starts and stop caring about those people trying to shoot me down along the way. i don't give myself extremely ridiculous expectations, so that one time i try for something outrageous sounding...just let me for once. i'm sure it will be an amazing journey. maybe i will get some bumps and bruises along the way but who cares? i don't. i want whats best for me; i have my own goals, expectations and pressures on myself. i don't need yours added. maybe i can be wacky and crazy, but....if you know me, that's why you love me :)
i'm not here to whine like the little girl i am. i'm here to grow. to change. to be different.
so maybe i don't capitalize any of the i's in this blog, or capitalize any of the letters at beginning of sentences. i don't do it, because i just plain can. to do what you want, when you want to. well that to me is being different. you're the plaid sheep.
in the future of this blog i will take you through the life of me, my brilliant job as a barista (and yes that means all of those amazing stories of lovely customers who like to try to make my day miserable), my lovely someone who you will i'm sure hear much more about soon, and our future plans, travels and adventures that will be starting very, very soon. be excited.
and please. its pronounces barista, with the i sounding as an e, not bariiiista. it drives me nuts.
what i want, where i want to go, what i want to do and who i want to see there.
selfish? maybe.
i've started to learn that sometimes in life you need to be selfish to get where you want. to not get walked all over, even if that means hurting someone unintentionally...or intentionally along the way. i need to do it for myself. i want to be bold, brassy, adventurous, daring, and unsuppressed. yes! all of them! i want to change me into someone i'm proud to be. i've finally found one amazing someone who seems to just bring it out in me, so its become just that much easier of a goal.
i want to shoot for the starts and not get shot down. or at least i want to shoot for the starts and stop caring about those people trying to shoot me down along the way. i don't give myself extremely ridiculous expectations, so that one time i try for something outrageous sounding...just let me for once. i'm sure it will be an amazing journey. maybe i will get some bumps and bruises along the way but who cares? i don't. i want whats best for me; i have my own goals, expectations and pressures on myself. i don't need yours added. maybe i can be wacky and crazy, but....if you know me, that's why you love me :)
i'm not here to whine like the little girl i am. i'm here to grow. to change. to be different.
so maybe i don't capitalize any of the i's in this blog, or capitalize any of the letters at beginning of sentences. i don't do it, because i just plain can. to do what you want, when you want to. well that to me is being different. you're the plaid sheep.
in the future of this blog i will take you through the life of me, my brilliant job as a barista (and yes that means all of those amazing stories of lovely customers who like to try to make my day miserable), my lovely someone who you will i'm sure hear much more about soon, and our future plans, travels and adventures that will be starting very, very soon. be excited.
and please. its pronounces barista, with the i sounding as an e, not bariiiista. it drives me nuts.
