I'm taking control now.

I have been struggling with an idea for a while now. I thought I had figured it out, but I believe it is still a work in progress. I care too much about what people think. In regards to: what I do, what I say, how I act, how I look, how I dress, everything really. I'm one of those people that worries way too much about everything. I finally thought I had stopped caring so much. Besides about what the people I truly care about think. Ultimately their opinion, and my own are what matter to me.

I have this friend "B". She's my best friend. She is one of those people who matters to me. She is also a very sensitive, opinionated, tell it how she sees it kind of girl. She also has a lot of trust issues due to trauma in her past. I care way, way too much what she thinks. So much that it effects me in almost a negative way; I would say. I just want to be happy and you would think my best friend would just want to see me happy too right? Well this best friend I feel does want me happy, but she also wants me to do what she wants me to do. She likes to control situations, and she doesn't like to be wrong. I feel like she's disappointed in me if I don't do things her way.
I don't get why I have put myself in this situation. I care too much, my heart is just too big. Who knows.
Yesterday we got into a large argument. Large as in it lasted about two hours long. We discussed everything. I mean everything. Every skeleton came out of the closet. We both came clean about how we feel about each other, certain events in the past, and things we have said to each other. This is great and all, because now we can move on and get along again. Wrong! Its only time until it happens again.

We are both very similar, but at the same time so completely different. For example, "B" is one of those people that wont trust you until you have earned it. I on the other hand will give you my trust and I will continue to trust you until I am ever given a reason not to. I mean if your some crazy deranged psycho killer I wont just throw you my trust and say "hey, I trust you, you totally seem like a nice person deep down"; I do use common scene. I'm sure you understand where I am going with this. We don't agree on everything, and that is totally normal. It seems she needs her best friend to agree with her on everything, one-hundred percent of the time. Is that right? Should I have that pressure put upon me?

I keep wondering, "If I'm not supposed to worry about what other people think, then why do I have to care so much about what "B" thinks?" Its getting out of hand and it needs to stop. I have no idea how to slow down this high speed train. Where are the breaks?

-Should I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around my best friend for fear of her sensitivity?

-Should I really be calling her my best friend if I feel I can't be myself around her and just tell her how I really feel?

-Should a best friend hold me back from what makes me happy because she doesn't agree with it?

To that last questions, my argument is.. I am not an idiot, and I am not "naive" as "B" puts it, so when I want to do something that may seem a little risky, don't you think some thought has gone into it before hand? I don't do ridiculous stupid thinks as a hobby. Why can't you put your trust issues aside for a minute? Put your trust in someone for once. We may not all disappoint you like you think. There are good people in the world "B".

If you open your eyes and open your heart more, you will see the world is a place full of amazing, beautiful things. You just have to learn to trust. Its OK to fall and its OK to make mistakes. I'm not afraid anymore. I just want to put it all out on the line and hope for the best. This is my life. I'm taking control of it now!